One of my very favourite topics as a Muslimah is hijab, because it has been something dear to me for some years already (so you can expect more from me in the future on this topic, insha’Allah!). I can honestly say it was the biggest signpost to me on the road to Islam.
So how did I come to love it so much? And why was it not an issue for me – like it was for so many other ladies when they reverted? In most of the large amount of stories I read, many (if not most) found it a big challenge when they reverted, because it was so visible to the world around them. Families of new Muslimas knew something was different when their daughter/sister/wife, etc. started donning a scarf on their head and threw out their skimpy clothes for long skirts and dresses. However, for me, by the time I became Muslim, it was already a natural part of my life which my family was used to.
As a Christian, I started becoming interested in covering my head for fashion reasons. Not that scarves were in fashion at the time – or that I even followed the fashions! I have really always been somewhat of a fashion rebel! J Since I was around 17 and interested in art and self-expression, I developed the style which still remains with me to some degree – long, loose, flowing and simple – rather like a peasant or a hippie! And of course, one of the things making up a hippie outfit was headscarves! I started off with small rectangular or square ones (folded in a triangle) which I tied behind my neck. But it was only in late 2006 that I began to wear my headscarves every day, and for a deeper reason – I felt a call to dedicate myself to Allah (as Christians see Him) and live as a celibate, aiming to become a nun. My dress code became more dowdy until 2009 when I made long pinafore-like dresses . This was when my interest in dressmaking became a more serious hobby.
As time went by, I delved into every resource about veiling which I could find, mainly on the Internet, and developed a list of my own reasons for veiling, so that if others asked me I could tell them. I focussed on the Christian perspective, but could not help learning about Islamic hijab, too – and agreeing with it! I was well aware of the Muslim ladies in my area who stood out from the “80% Christian” crowd of South Africans around them, and I deeply respected and admired them for having the guts to go against the flow of the secular society. I wondered what it was about Islam that they have retained the modesty code, whilst the Christians largely forgot what it meant in terms of dress…
Most of my fellow church parishioners thought I veiled because I wanted to be a nun – or that I was actually a nun already! By the time I got to the Catholic church I was veiling every day, so I never attended one service with my head uncovered in all the three years I was there. I was frequently greeted: “Hello, Sister!” even in the shopping centre, and I later got really embarrassed! This was due to the fact, that, as my list of reasons developed and my desire to live the otherworldly and counter-cultural life of a nun increased, my scarves became larger until all my hair was hidden. I wore them with plain blouses and skirts, and a cross/crucifix. Yes… what else would I expect them to think? That I am a married woman? Or maybe a “hip, fashionable” young person? …Yeah right, are you kidding me? Yet, I was not a nun either…
To try and remedy this rather two-faced problem, I began to tie my scarves so that the ends hung down in front. They still thought I was a nun. So I began wearing them tied in front as Muslims, despite being really self-conscious, and browsed online many times to learn how hijab was tied. By this time, the “hijab bug” had bitten me for good. From 2008 I wore hijab – mostly large rectangular pashminas wrapped around my head in various styles which either showed my hairline or not, depending on my mood. (One of these styles is shown on my profile picture along with an underscarf; I usually cover all my hair now as a Muslimah).
I will never forget an incident in the shopping mall about two years ago, which stuck with me ever since as it meant so much to me. It was winter and I was wearing a thick, warm pashmina, when my mom said to me: “You should have been born a Muslim!” I remember replying: “I know!” before thinking in the back of my mind what it would be like to be one…
Still, I was Catholic, and aiming for the nunhood. Why would I even consider leaving my beloved Catholic faith, despite loving Islam and Muslims with such respect? It was unthinkable at the time, even though I faced such loneliness being the only woman in my church who covered her head. I attacked the immodesty I saw around me in church, by writing letters to the national Catholic paper, but in the end, it was a bitter fight which took me nowhere. Nothing was being done about it, and I became unpopular, because I got on the Catholic Feminists’ nerves!
On top of that, when I visited a certain convent and stayed there for some months, I was told to remove my veil! This was really hard, and they thought I was too attached to it. I obeyed, but when I stayed there the second time the following year, and was told to remove it in the church service (Mass) as well as everywhere else, it was too much for me to bear for long. I soon left, wondering why on earth nuns of all people discouraged veiling, even though I understood it was an exercise in detachment. Still, it served to exacerbate the anger I felt about the lack of veiling in church. I began to feel out of place. When my fifth convent visit ended unsuccessfully, the road to Islam was cleared and I walked home into the arms of the ummah the following month.
I had looked like a Muslim, wearing the hijab scarf and long, loose dresses for two years, and now I was a Muslim on the inside as well, alhamdulillah! No alteration needed to be done to my wardrobe, except that I started wearing more “obviously Middle-Eastern-looking” robe-like garments in public, which I had envied for some time, and which some of my dear sisters gave me. My family didn’t have reason to suspect anything, until I told them I was Muslim, because they were used to me being a Catholic hijabi!
Presently, I love to sew my own long robe-like dresses, because the Islamic clothing shops are quite a distance away from where I stay, and transport to them is usually not possible. It is hard, but in a way, I enjoy the challenge of making my own clothes and scarves.
I believe that hijab doesn’t mean a Muslim needs to wear Middle-Eastern style robes, just as long as the clothing of their choice meets the Islamic standards – that they cover the awrah, are not transparent or reveal the shape of the body, that they are not clothing proper to the opposite sex, or frivolous, indecent worldly fashions. But I enjoy dressing in a relatively traditional way, because it is so comfortable and shows the world that I am Muslim (and not a nun! J).
It gives me such JOY to go out in hijab; I feel so cosy in my veil and protected from the stares of men. Never have I felt so beautiful as I did when veiled; I have long felt that modesty and veiling make women look more beautiful than any other accessory or cosmetic! The world around me – and especially that world portrayed on the TV – has long been a cause for pain for me. To see how the women are half-dressed and the men look at their bodies with eyes of lust, stirs up anger and sorrow in me. In my heart, I am truly convinced that modesty is the solution to many evils in our society, and I am so proud to be an ambassador in this worthy cause! It is a passion of mine to promote this forgotten virtue. Alhamdulillah, Islam knows so well that if you let the door open one crack, the devil will come in! There is truly great power in prevention.
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