Set Free From a 15-year-long Addiction

This is getting on a rather personal topic, but it has been so life-changing that I couldn’t not share it. Allah Ta’ala has been SO good to me in this, and it is truly one of the best things that Islam has  worked in me! I am talking about an addiction that I had for over 15 years, which had damaged my self-esteem and made my life a misery – an attachment to images. It is really hard to talk about it, but I want to show what Islam did for me…

I was a lonely child and often kept my own company. In a way, I lived in my own fantasy world right up into my adulthood, when I started practising Christianity seriously in 2005.

I mark the beginning of my attachment to images to when I was 11 years old and had an interest in the music of the composers Mozart and Beethoven.  Then two years later when puberty set in, I had a major obsession with Michael Jackson. I had seen his 1997 HIStory concert on TV at my friend’s house, and got hooked on his music. One of my brothers worked at a music store and he brought home these CD’s of Michael Jackson which I avidly listened to.  I was a BIG fan, and like any teenager, I had posters of my favourite celebrities on my bedroom walls.  Apart from Michael Jackson, I also liked celebs like Leonardo DiCaprio, Paul Gross (of the series “Due South” fame)  and Guy Chandler (the star of the series “Early Edition”). But Jackson was my biggest obsession, and I think it was then that I had my first brush with the possibility that my attachment was harmful. I will never forget how my mother warned me that I musn’t idolise him. That got me thinking and I was quite scared – I grew up with a deep fear of God and hell, so I didn’t want to do what was wrong. Soon after this, I gave up my “crush” on Jackson. But it didn’t stop there…

Soon after, when I was about 15 and had astronomy as a hobby, I had two more images which I treated as “friends”. (The second one was one I made after the first was ruined; it was a terrible feeling when it was, and I quickly made another the same as the first – I just couldn’t cope without having an imaginary “friend” to “chat” to!) These were the craziest images of all – and I’ll leave it at that.

Then when I was 17, I developed a major interest in the artist Van Gogh, which lasted almost two years.  I also liked the composer Bach. Later, when I started looking for churches to go to, I liked the Protestant reformer Martin Luther. Along the way I also had a few other “friends” which I made up entirely, and named.  But if there were any others I idolised as much as Michael Jackson – and more – it was Van Gogh and Luther. I was obsessed with them!

At this moment in reading, one may think I was a crazy weirdo with no social life, and I don’t blame you for thinking so! In truth, I was not a happy person. I had suffered from terrible anxiety since the age of 13, and later suffered from depression for three years until 2005. I had few friends, and socialising was a painful and anxious thing, so I avoided people, creating an alternative way to quell my loneliness. Nevertheless, I knew in all the time I had these “imaginary friends” that it was not normal, they could not hear me and talk back, and that I should stop. But I couldn’t. I hated myself and my self-esteem plummeted, but I was helplessly addicted. Some teenagers did drugs, others alcohol – but I did images.

The way that my attachment to images worked, was that I used to talk to these pictures like the person they depicted was really in my room; I substituted them for real people. I couldn’t live without them and used to think of what would happen if they were destroyed. Sometimes I even took them out with me! It was terrible! Allah had hardly any place in my life; He was just relegated 5 minutes of prayer time when I woke up in the morning and when I went to bed at night.

In 2005, I sought Christianity and Jesus (pbuh), because I believed that the only reason for my recovery from depression, was because Allah (swt) intervened. Just that I believed back then that He and Jesus (pbuh) were one (Astaghfirullah!). A year later, all my “imaginary friends” I got rid of at last, and I felt I was cured at last. I felt free – but was not yet completely free.

You, see, the attachment to images transferred into a religious sphere. I got images of Jesus (pbuh) which I spoke to – or “through” to Jesus, as I used to put it. Believing that he was God, I thought at least I can worship him; that these images were okay to have, as he could hear me and speak back to me in my heart. I had more peace, but still felt like I was being childish talking to pictures! Later, when I became Catholic, I added images of Mary, his mother (may Allah be pleased with her) and a favourite Catholic saint, which I called my “spiritual sister”. (These three were my “room companions”, and what made them different to my “pre-Christian” images, was that I spoke to them anywhere, not just in my room. Nevertheless, my room was still the base  of numerous “monologues”.)  Even at this time I was aware that my self-esteem still suffered from this attachment, and I longed to be free from it. There were times I craved an uncluttered relationship with my God, without images. Sometimes  I removed them, but always – a few days later, I replaced them back as it was too much for me to be without their faces looking at me!  I don’t think in all these years that I was without images for longer than a week.

Then Islam came into my life. One of the things that made me hesitate about it at first, was its dislike for any images of people (or animals). If I wanted to be a Muslim, I would have to scrap my images. A few months later after my last try at the convent life, I couldn’t resist the call of Islam and did become Muslim. One by one, the three images were taken down.

First Jesus…

then Mary… (pbut)

then finally – a few hours before my reversion – the sisterly saint.

Blank walls stared back.

It was just me and Allah at last.

At the moment I write now (the evening of 22 April 2011), I have been Muslim so far, for exactly two months, and it is still Allah Ta’ala and me – just the way it is supposed to be! I have finally been set free; the path has been cleared of debris, and I have not looked back since; instead I am now looking outward to others more than ever before, and am now comfortable with no images.  In my heart I have found peace, and my self-esteem is recovering. Alhamdulillah! I have surrended to God and am truly free at last after so many years.

I hope my sharing has been an inspiration to you to see what Islam can do… I don’t know if there are many who had the kind of wacky addiction I had! But whatever situation you find yourself in, Islam has the solution.